Choose You

I have only two books published, and three more waiting to be published. Part two of I Liked you Better When I Didn't Like You (I Liked you Better, Though), part two of The Devil Wears Diamonds (The Devil Wears Nothing), and Returned Redemption. At the end of my books, I have rants combined with thank yous. This is an excerpt of my fifth book rant because I felt that someone really needed to read it.

...I will say that I’m different. I wrote my first published book I Liked you Better When I Didn’t Like You from 13-26 years old. The Devil Wears Diamonds from 22-27. I Liked you Better, Though at 27. Returned Redemption at 27. And The Devil Wears Nothing from 27-28.

From 13-28, needless to say that I have grown, matured. But something about writing and pursuing my dream, I have learned to choose me. My peace of mind. My sanity. My faith. All of that which makes me me, I choose it. I decided to stop hiding behind insecurities and other peoples’ expectations. I have decided to no longer turn me down because people get offended if I’m at full volume. I can no longer water myself down because some people can’t handle me at full strength. I’m no longer interested in people feeling that if I was a lady, I wouldn’t say that. Or “as a Christian, you shouldn’t go there.”

All of y’all can suck it.

I’m a writer. I write to keep my ass out of jail. I write to avoid showing up on somebody’s doorstep. I write what I see. How I feel. What I think. My views. My opinion. I’m 5’2”. If I’m a problem, you seriously need to grow a set.

Or just unfollow. Don’t be so concerned with what I’m doing and what I got going on. I am so unapologetic, so to spare feelings, don’t come at me sideways. I promise you that I’m not as important to your life as you think I am. Don’t put that pressure on me.

I’m not interested in an unmarried female with multiple baby daddies telling me how I’m unlady like. I have no interest in a man who decides to be a dad when it's convenient for him telling me how as a Christian, I shouldn't have said what I said.

I’m such a fucking lady that I bleed every month. Sometimes twice a month, depending how the days fall. I piss femininity. I can run a marathon in heels; I can run the world in Jordans.

I’m such a Christian that I understood that no matter what I write, it all needs to be for His glory. I am very well aware that only what I do for Christ will last. *SPOILER ALERT* Every book that I write points toward Christ somehow/ some way.

I hid behind trying to please people and not offend people. With every book, I let a little more Jhordynn out. But with my sixth book… it’s on! Because I chose me. What good is my sitting down for months and years on end on a project, and still hold back? Wasted time. Wasted gift. Wasted purpose.

So, if you couldn’t handle me before, woe unto you. 100 proof Jhordynn is next.

I choose me. Hopefully, you will get to a point in your life where you choose you, too. I pray that you get so exhausted not being you that you pass out from the bullshit, and when you wake up, you have forgotten how to be someone else. I hope you get to a point where you can’t take no more of not being you. I wish upon your life that soon you will wake up with the filters off, and you offend the majority of the people in your circle. And as a consequence, I hope that the people who are offended decide that they can no longer roll with you, leave you where you are, and only your true crew will be left standing.

I pray that you don’t go back to who God delivered you from—yourself and ex “friends.” I pray that you don’t get so caught up in the term “family” that you neglect friends. Because in my short 28 years of life, I’ve seen so much family destroy each other, while the friends were left to rebuild.

I’ve seen “family” turn on each other based on what someone else had to say and someone else’s opinions and false accusations, while friends stood unmoved and unconvinced that their friend is who some liar is saying that they are. I’ve seen “family’s” feelings change toward someone after forty years of having each others' back because of a lie that was told, while a friend of two years refused to allow their minds to be poisoned by an outside person.

I’m not down talking family or saying they’re irrelevant. I’m just highlighting friends. The family by choice. The people who could walk away at any time, but choose to stick it out. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly. The ones who don’t expect you to change and take you as you are. Who will fight for you and pray for you. All by choice. Not because they feel obligated to do so.

I thank God for my friends—whether you’re a family member who is also a friend, or just a friend who is now my family. You know who you are.

God bless you, yours, and all that you touch. May He keep you and cover you.

Peace. In every sense of the word.